Hey y’all, it’s Truman. I had the day off from school Thursday, so I was going through my Dad’s bookmarks and stumbled onto this blog. I can’t believe Dad is exploiting me for a few cheap laughs. Actually, yeah, I can totally believe that. Never mind.
Anyway, I thought this would be the best place to share the travel diary I kept during our trip to the Midwest for Christmas. It was quite a journey. Sorry for the delay in getting it posted. I’m a baby, so I don’t type very fast.
11:15 a.m. — Just woke up from my second nap of the morning, and we are STILL IN THE CAR. I knew something was up when they loaded half the house into Mom’s car, but I figured I would just take a nap and wake up when we got where we were going. No dice. At least they remembered to bring a bottle. Shouldn’t be much longer now.
2:25 p.m. — OMG, still in the car. Thought things were looking up a little earlier when we stopped at McDonald’s, but I didn’t even get anything. Mom just took me in the bathroom and changed my diaper, and Dad got a iced mocha and we left. Hoping for better luck at the next stop.
6:30 p.m. — Seriously, people, we are STILL in the car. I think Dad said we’re in Kentucky now, or something. He said that’s like the fifth state I’ve been to, but I think I must have slept through at least one. This sucks. Time to start crying. Later.
7:30 p.m. — Thank goodness, we are finally out of the car. I knew wailing for half an hour would do the trick. We’re in a weird room right now, but at least I’m free, and they have a pack ‘n’ play, so I’m all set. Gonna get some noms and hit the sack.
8:15 a.m. — Oh, lord. We’re in the car again. I’ll give it some time, but if we’re not out of here by lunch time, it’s on.
11:25 a.m. — Just woke up from a nap, and you guessed it — still in the car. Tick tock, Mom and Dad. Tick tock.
12:05 p.m. — OK, screw this. WAHHHHHHHHH. WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH.
12:45 p.m. — Uh-oh. I cried so hard I crapped my pants, and I think some seeped out into my car seat. Ugh. Hope it’s not much farther.
1:15 p.m. — Finally, they just said we’re at Nana and Pa’s! Center of attention, here I come!
1:30 p.m. — Ummm, who the heck is that other baby? And why is she trying to grab me? Ahhh, she grabbed my ear! WAAAAAAHHHH!
6:15 p.m. — I’ve been informed the other baby is my cousin Bridget. I’ve heard so much about her, so it’s nice to put a face to a name. Wait, what is she doing in my bouncy seat? Did she just poop in my bouncy seat? Sonuva…
7:30 p.m. — Pretty sweet day. Met two of my great-grandmas, got a bunch of stuff. Getting hungry, though.
8 p.m. — Ahh, we have our own private room. Time for some noms and a good night’s sleep.
9:45 a.m. — I don’t know what’s going on here, but Mom has about 20 outfits laying on the bed, and one of them looks like a Santa suit. Do. Not. Want.
10:15 a.m. — That’s what I was afraid of. Some lady just showed up with a bunch of photography equipment. Bridget and I are being treated like circus animals, if circus animals were runway models.
11:45 a.m. — Got off pretty easy. Bridget got fussy, so I got fussy, and we both got to take naps, effectively ending the photo shoot. Baby manipulation, for the win.
4:45 p.m. — Bridget is gone. Center of attention. Life is good.
5:15 p.m. — Did I say center of attention? Nana made a couple of phone calls, and all of a sudden there are a half-dozen strangers standing over my playmat making oohs and aahs. I am so cute. Better smile for my adoring public.
8 p.m. — Pretty great day winding down. Lots of attention. No car rides. Nomnomnomnomnom. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
10:30 a.m. — Just chillin’ at Nana and Pa’s. I could get used to this.
8 p.m. — Nomnomnom. Ummm, why am I sleeping in a pink pack ‘n’ play? PINK? For realz, player? What are y’all trying to do to me?
10:45 a.m. — Uh, why are they packing the suitcases? Crap. We’re going in the car again, aren’t we?
11:15 a.m. — Hmmm. Last time we were in the car, I had a blowout poop in my car seat and got sprung. Worth a shot … Oooh, that stinks.
11:45 a.m. — YES! McDonald’s run in Jeff City! About to get me a Happy Meal!
11:55 a.m. — Hey, how many McDonald’s bathrooms do we have to go to before I get a dang Happy Meal?!? This is like six just on this trip, and I haven’t had a bite to eat or set foot in a Playplace. This sucks.
4 p.m. — Cool, we’re at Grandma Janie and Papa Steve’s house! That actually wasn’t too bad. Center of attention, once more. But that dog over there seems a little jealous.
8 p.m. — You know the drill. Nomnomnom. Zzzzzzzzz.
11 a.m. — Two noms and a nap down, and we’re still not in the car. Today is a success.
2 p.m. — My cousins Grace and Hannah are here. Dad said I can’t hang out with Hannah. Said she was a “bad influence,” whatever that means. Oh, wait … her hands are covered in lotion and she’s getting spanked. I think I know what bad influence means.
8 p.m. — Today was a good day. No car rides, and I think we watched Elf at least twice. That makes me smile, and smiling is my favorite.
5 a.m. — I had the weirdest dream last night that Mom kept waking up and puking. Like five times. Oh, that wasn’t a dream?
1 p.m. — They were supposed to take my picture with the rest of the family today, but the weather is bad and Mom is sick, so it’s a no-go. Bummer, because I’m awfully photogenic. On the plus side, car ride cancelled!
4 p.m. — Strangers keep showing up and giving hugs and kisses. I don’t know them, but they know me. Damn you, Facebook, and your invasion of a baby’s privacy!
7 p.m. — OMG, there are like 40-some people here. Two of them are my cousins Weston and Jarrett, who brought an awesome race track. I hope I’m big enough to play with them next year.
8 p.m. — What I learned today: Presents are cool and I am super cute. Everyone agrees. Nomnomzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
8 a.m. — Mom and Dad keep saying today is my first Christmas, but I’m pretty sure I’ve had two or three Christmases already this week. I’m confused.
10:30 a.m. — We’re at Uncle Herb and Aunt Gayla’s for breakfast, and I have to say that rocking chair by the fireplace over there looks nice and cozy. Hmmm … If I threw a little fit, I bet Mom would go rock me to sleep for a morning nap. WAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
5 p.m. — Pretty low-key Christmas. Just chillin’ with the fam, and taking some mighty cute pictures with Mom and Dad, if I do say so myself.
7 p.m. — Uh-oh. Mom and Dad are packing suitcases and taking them outside. I think my streak of three days without car rides is about to come to an end. A big, fussy end.
7:30 a.m. — Car seat. Just what I was afraid of. And we’re out of grandmas to visit, so this could be a long day.
12:30 p.m. — Another McDonald’s, still no Happy Meal. I need to learn to talk so I can lodge a formal complaint.
6 p.m. — Getting dark out, which is Exhibit A that I’ve been in this car seat WAY too long. Maybe If I squeeze one off … Nnnnnngggggghhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhh.
6:05 p.m. — McDonald’s, dang it. I was hoping for a hotel.
6:10 p.m. — Quick in and out. No changing table. Mom’s pissed.
6:15 p.m. — Wendy’s. No changing table. Dad’s pissed.
6:20 p.m. — KFC. No changing table, and we’re out of fast-food joints at this exit, so Mom just had to use the bathroom floor as a changing table. Mom said something about Mississippi that I probably shouldn’t repeat on a family-friendly blog.
8 p.m. — Free at last! Mom and Dad said we’re in Birmingham, but this room looks exactly like the one from Paducah. Weird.
7:30 a.m. — In the car again. Blergh.
10 a.m. — I’m not gonna lie. This sucks. WAAAAAHHHHHH!
1 p.m. — What do you know, another McDonald’s, and Mom and Dad are chowing down while I sit here sans Happy Meal. Child abuse!
3:30 p.m. — WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Hmmm … not working. Am I losing my powers of persuasion?
4 p.m. — HOME! Believe it or not, I used to LIKE going for car rides, but I hope I don’t have to go in that car seat for a while. The holidays are cool and all, but I can’t wait to sleep in my own crib tonight.