The times they are a-changin'

Cleaning out the ol’ inbox this morning and ran across a BabyCenter newsletter about the things that change when you have a baby. Pretty good list, but it’s sort of the Disney version, if you will, so I decided to add some levity — and a dose of reality. Enjoy. Or recoil in horror. Whatevs.

1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.

Also, because strange odors are often embedded in your nostrils, and the roses help, if only for a moment.

2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid.

E.g. Walking through the dark house in the middle of the night in a sleepless stupor to re-insert the pacifier in your baby’s mouth.

3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.

Because you’re making much bigger sacrifices every day.

4. You respect your body … finally.

I do? You might want to tell that to the stack of chocolate chip pancakes and giant blob of Cool Whip residing in my stomach.

5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.

True. But you also realize they did some really dumb stuff raising you, hindsight being 20-20 and all. (Hi, Mom!)

6. You find that your baby’s pain feels much worse than your own.

Also true. But you can also tell when he’s being a drama king.

7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.

You have to so you don’t slip up and let the cat out of the bag.

8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.

Unless you’re on Facebook, in which case you click “Hide” and hope they don’t post comments on your status or photos.

9. Your heart breaks much more easily.

Also, your will. And sometimes at 3 a.m., your spirit.

10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.

At least. Makes it kind of difficult to concentrate on anything else, like work. And you thought you had ADD before.

11. Every day is a surprise.

Ha. Every second is a surprise. Usually an ill-timed surprise.

12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)

Not entirely true. I cleaned up a pretty repulsive one yesterday. Five wipes!

13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.

Yes, because looking at yourself would remind you that you haven’t showered in two days, you’re gaining weight, and you look like a dirty hobo.

14. You become a morning person.

Well, I guess 3 a.m. technically is “morning.”

15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.

Unequivocally true, which is the only way you can manage to cope with all these changes and not only accept your new reality but recognize it as the greatest thing that has ever happened in your life.